bad blogger!

Remember when we Boomers were in our 20s, and we stopped writing letters, and people said the art of writing to one another was dead? how wrong they were! now it's emails emails emails, blogs blogs blogs...so much to write, so many hours in the day...and I'm a very bad blogger who's been real slow to write down much here...sorry.
first, long overdue is a message to Joan M, who sent me a card with a sketch of the Ocean City Boardwalk...and inside was cash and a wish from her to spend it on something nice for my kids...!
Dear Joan, thank you thank you, but journalists can't accept cash or gifts, and even if they could, I wouldnt. But you are such a sweetheart to think of me and my family. I donated the money to the Northern Lights childrens' home in my neighborhood, and they will use it for Christmas well. just thank you for being a caring person.
More gifts pour in that I won't return - prayers, almost all of them from people who have never met me yet who are promising to spend some private God time praying on this sick stranger's behalf. I continue to be blown away by this and by increasing evidence that there are so many good and generous people out there. I wonder what the balance is: 50-50, good vs bad? actually, it's probably 5-10 percent nasty folks, the rest ranging from nice to wonderful. but of course the baddies get most of the ink.
meanwhile, Im enjoying a fabulous Christmas - fabulous because both my kids (including college son) are home with me. I think cancer patients experience a special poignance around holiday times; just being alive to make a lowly cranberry bread is a thrill. (which is not to say I don't also get cranky and nag; kids will confirm.) I wish I had more energy - either cancer or chemo is making stairs and hills a real challenge; if I overdo, I get annoyingly (scarily actually) breathless. I've scratched the malls off my to-do list (now there's a plus). but Im here, the kids are here, our tree this year is spectacular. I'm trying to grab the little perfect moments and imprint them on my brain for future recall many months from now.
happy holidays to you all
fvrazo@phillynews.com

bad blogger!

just like everyone else

Cancer patients have good days/bad days just like anyone else. (and why shouldn't we?) Today, Im good. Mailing 27 Christmas packages (no exaggeration) tends to make you feel invincible! And yes, while Im going through the "this could be the last . . . " thing that cancer patients frequently go through (this could be my last Christmas), at least there's a bright side if that turns out to be true - at least next year I wont have to mail 27 packages again!
Ran across a good new cancer info site I had not heard of before - the NCCN (for National Comprehensive Cancer Network). It's yet another place for solid information on specific cancers, on coping, on clinical trials, etc., and members include some of the nation's top cancer centers, among them Fox Chase Cancer Center in Philadelphia and M.D. Anderson Cancer Center at the University of Texas. Internet address is www.nccn.org or you can call 888-909-6226. (for free).
Here's a request for anyone reading this blog: Im interesting in talking to cancer patients who continue working while they are undergoing treatment (chemo or radiation); some of us do it because we love our work, some because we have no choice. just email me at fvrazo@phillynews.com
time to feel quilty if your own holiday packages aren't in the mail yet!

cancer's tough choices

Soon I hope to write about the tough treatment choices cancer patients routinely make (different sets of expert docs, all giving out different advice!) But the tough choices Im thinking about today are the lifestyle ones being forced on me by advancing disease.
For alot of cancer patients, let's face it, cancer can be pretty benign, at least at first. In the beginning, most cancer doesn't hurt (that's what makes it so insidious; there aren't any alarm bells in the early stages). And even after diagnosis, the worst pain and debilitation is caused by the treatment, not the disease itself.
But now I've crossed a line: Cancer is making me feel bad, real bad at times, and it's forcing lifestyle decisions I never thought I'd have to make in my 50s. No pain, thank God. But I get tired, breathless, very easily. Too much activity (like, two stores in an hour, instead of one) wears me out and makes me breathe heavily. If I really overdo, like I did this weekend, I might lie awake all night with a rapidly beating heart.
Not to brag, but normally my non stop energy impresses (also annoys) my friends. But cancer is taking that away, week by week. This weekend, I had to choose: see a friend's daughter's play Friday night, OR get up early saturday to hit the Christmas sales, OR wrap the 20-some gifts I mail each year, OR go to friend Colleen's annual party (normally the highlight of the holiday season!) Cancer chose for me: play ok, but skip the early sales, sleep in sunday, wrap half the packages, don't go to the party at all (sob). I'm lucky (am I?) that I can still get around. But I wonder if that's what we cancer patients fear most about our futures - not the pain, not even death, but the point at which we give up our normal lives to become homebound invalids. cheery thought. Tomorrow is another day, as she said in GWTW, and I'll make myself cheer up tomorrow.